The Weight of My World – Warning Content Should Be Screened By Adult First!!

I was never as proud of myself as the day when my name appeared on the panel beside the office door, Carmen Lancaster, Attorney At Law.
I have never been as torn up as I am today. The rain has stopped, the sun is shining, but the wind is terrible. It is kicking up dust and blowing it into my eyes, but that helps disguise my tears. I am standing outside the Doctor’s office, trying to digest what I just heard. The heat of the sun reflecting off the glass is trying to console me with its warmth.
I had to go back, in my mind, to three and a half months ago, when I noticed a smell, strong yucky smell, and discharge, coming from the lower extremes. I called my Doctors office to make an appointment. They said that there was nothing available for another week. That would not do, so I booked off a couple of hours that very afternoon, and headed to the walk-in clinic. After an hour of listening to kids cough and older people expressing gases from upper and lower orifices, I was led into a clean little room with that dreaded table with stirrups and sanitary paper cover.
“Please remove your undergarments from the waist down and put this robe on. The Doctor will be with you shortly.” the nurse said, pointing to the blue paper product, as she dropped my chart into the door slot.
I did as instructed, then faked interest in one of the out-dated magazines from the rack. If this is a STD, I am going to have one hell of a conversation with Maxwell. I thought that we had committed to a monogamous relationship, but maybe it was not as clear to him. I would give him the benefit of doubt until the results were in. I mean it may just be a bad yeast infection, right. I heard the tap on the door just as it opened. In walked the Doctor and after a few brief questions, she had me up on the table and was taking a PAP smear.
As soon as she finished, she had me swing around to face her. “It doesn’t look good,” she said “but we will wait for the results to be sure. I am going to start you on a heavy dose of antibiotics right away. Please pick up your prescription on the way out.”
Since that day, I underwent a couple more tests, which brings me to today’s visit. I am sterile. Period. The damage was too great and the scarring on my fallopian tubes is too severe.
I replayed the conversation I had Maxwell. Although he did not tell me who the latest conquest was, he did admit that he was active outside our relationship on a regular basis.
“If for no other reason than what I am experiencing now, and you too, you bastard, do you not think you owed me the option as to whether or not I wanted to sleep with you after you…you…!!” I cried. He looked away sheepishly, but muttered an inaudible answer. That was it. Another chapter closed.
I called my friend, Denise, hoping I could cry on her shoulder for a while. She was a little surprised to hear my voice. She was the artsy type; usually a drama queen and I think that was why I liked to have her around. At times, I think her earthly sensuality is what drew me to her. “Are you sure you want to come by?” she asked.
“Why are you busy?” I replied.
‘Well did you not talk to Maxwell tonight?”
“Yes, that’s why I needed to see you. I wanted to share a bottle or two of wine and do some male bashing.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but I am on some meds, and can’t drink right now. Aren’t you?”
“Yes”, I slurred. “But what kind are you on?”
“Well didn’t Max tell you? I am the ‘other’ woman. I got it from him too, if that is any consolation.”
I could not respond. I hung up the phone and collapsed on the nearest chair. What the heck! My dearest friend and my lover, both were betraying me! Why am I surprised? I represent this kind of thing every day in the courtrooms. I just never saw it coming. Boy is that a cliché or what? I hear that very statement from those lonely homemakers all the time. This sure does put a spin on the way I will see things in the future. I still don’t believe. Once this is cleared up, I’m supposed to go for a few more tests. Great stuff. What if I can’t have kids? I really wanted to have a family. I will not think about it negatively yet.
Back to the moment I am in, this dream world. I can’t get over how things change without you even knowing. I don’t remember why I couldn’t see the signs, the smells on his body that did not belong to him or me. Naive, little lovesick teenager. This is how I feel now. Then I breathe again and I feel like a woman betrayed, a barren, worthless woman, tainted by the sins she brought upon herself.
When I was in school, safe sex was talked about constantly. AIDS/HIV, STD’s, chlamydia, herpes and the list went on, could be prevented if one practiced safe sex or abstinence. I thought I was in the clear. I was certain my partner was MY partner, not half the flippin’ towns. I guess I should have taken heed.
I think that I am pulling myself out of the dating game for a long time. My job is perfect, as it will let me submerse myself in the pains and sorrows of the world and curse every man who disrespects his woman and himself. I cannot let my personal feelings get in the middle or I’ll be out a job too!
I will get past this. The pain is going to linger a long time, on my tongue, in my mind, but mostly in my heart.
This is a piece of fiction.


7 comments on “The Weight of My World – Warning Content Should Be Screened By Adult First!!

  1. Is this somethng you wrote?


  2. Dear Liz, I really enjoyed reading this – everything about it! It is written in clear words, modern, but still in a certain way sensitive. Maybe only women can feel the sensitivity and vulnerability behind it. I’m not really sure you should limit this to a “short story” – it has the potential to turn into a thriller!
    Very cool!!!


  3. Fabulously written Liz. I could FEEL the pain she was feeling, and actually held my breath with her a few times. Very well done, and I think this could have great impact as a “teaching” story. A lot of us face cheaters in our lives, and this brings home the impact that could have on us other than the emotional.


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